I'm Baaack

At the beginning of last year, wanting to figure out a way to work together, W asked ex if she would agree to counseling with him. She agreed. He found a place close by with a very accessible sliding scale. And they went. Their appointments were on kid days for us, so I left work early to be home in time to watch the kids before he had to go. They lasted three sessions.

During those sessions it became very clear that she had not moved past their separation at all, and was just as bitter and angry as if it had just happened. She admitted that she didn’t trust his motives for suggesting counseling, but was willing to go “as long as he was paying for it.” While W went into this to try to create a more cooperative environment for the children, she used it as an opportunity to unleash all the anger she’s been holding onto. At the end of the third session it was very clear to W that ex wasn’t going to make any effort to work toward a more cooperative relationship, and he stopped scheduling appointments.

I share this because during their first session ex brought up that I “write about her,” and the counselor told W to ask me to stop. Not just to stop mentioning her in my blog (which by then I hadn’t done in a year and a half), but to take it down completely. When he got to that part in telling me about his experience that night, we had a fight about how much was too much to ask of me, and how to me it felt like unnecessary censoring.

From the beginning of my relationship with W, ex has always told lies about us to anyone who would listen (or, more likely, couldn’t get away). We were even approached by the principal of the kids’ school once, complaining that ex would corner people at any social function and endlessly complain to them with stories that made them uncomfortable. At one point we found out that she was making secret pacts with their teachers about them not communicating with me; she convinced all the soccer team moms that I needed to be ignored; in general, she has always been very actively turning people to “her side.” I don’t know why the people that we’re all going to come in contact with can’t be equally kept out of what she obviously sees as some sort of a war, but I guess she feels that would make her vulnerable to the obvious attacks we would launch against her. Please, whoever might be reading this, please pause here and realize that the last part of the previous sentence was drowning in sarcasm.

I know it may seem ironic that I’m now doing the very thing I was asked not to do, but I’m seriously very tired of being on the losing end of this double standard. She gets to say and do whatever she wants and faces no negative consequences of doing so, while I’m asked to be “the bigger person” and not even attempt to defend myself.

As far back as I can remember, writing has been a way for me to deal with things. If I can’t talk it out with the person I have an issue with, then I like to write it out (preferably with a more comedic touch than this piece). And yes, she’s given me plenty to write about. But my blogs have never been about her – gossiping, bad-mouthing, or whatever else she’s afraid of. They’ve been about me sharing my frustrating experiences with whoever happens to stumble upon them and is willing to read them. It’s not even unusual. Anyone with access to the internet can have their own little space on it. Many do. Most are personal accounts written by people who like the writing equivalent of hearing  themselves speak. I’m including myself at the head of this list.

I feel that I have the right to write about my own life, and anything that happens to be a part of it. If something’s bothering me, I want to be able to vent about it. To keep from driving my husband crazy with my venting, I want to be able to write about and share it with the world (or in my case, the few people who know about my blog). It’s a way for me to get out my frustrations; to spend some time writing; to possibly receive support in the form of feedback; to explain my side of the story. And yes, secretly I hoped that the people who only get to hear her version of events would also get to read my side and maybe realize that there are two sides to every story. It’s not even that far-fetched, since she was obviously reading my blog herself.

At the time, a little over a year ago, I changed the settings on my blog to private. I felt censored, and strongly talked into it. My husband made a strong case: It was supposed to be for a good cause. It was supposed to be a sign of good faith and a step toward promoting a better relationship between our homes. (At the next meeting, she acknowledged that the blog was marked private, and therefore inaccessible to the general public.) The problem is that there was no fair exchange made, nothing offered in return. She didn’t even complete the exercise she was assigned by the counselor. And it was obvious she wasn’t looking for peace.

Among the things I don’t understand is why someone would prefer to think that there are things being said about them but not want to know what. I’d much rather know what is being said than have it all be done in secret. Why not be open about what you have to say? The only way I embellish my accounts is by adding comedic commentary to factual events. It actually makes me think that she’s just afraid of having the other side of the story out there. If she’s not the sole storyteller then she can’t control what’s being heard, and her constant stance of being the poor victim is challenged.

I’ve been through many stages of feelings toward ex, and I tried many different approaches. I’ve even acknowledged and apologized for my part in our negative interactions. Mainly, I’ve just wanted to have a cooperative relationship between both homes with decent communication. This obviously won’t happen. (I need to mention here that W and I have been together for 7 years at this point.)

At some point, ex stopped being a person for me. I no longer acknowledge her, and would definitely never help her with anything again. Her phone number is blocked on my phone.

But my blog is mine. I am reclaiming it. I’ve gone back (into previous posts) and changed names of my family to initials, and hid the comments that I did receive. I even renamed it. If she decides to find it and read it, I wish she would see the truth in it instead of deciding that I’m just doing something to hurt her. I want my side known, if the situation calls for it.

And if she wants me to shut up, then I have this wonderful quote for her from a Michael Douglas movie: “I’ll make you a deal. You stop telling lies about me and I’ll stop telling the truth about you.”

If she wants to apologize and start over, I’m here. Until then, I am not going to be bullied by someone who’s afraid of the truth getting out.