“So, how’s married life?”
It’s funny how that replaces the standard “How are you?” greeting for a few months after your wedding. Of course, having posed the question to newlyweds myself, I know it’s more of an acknowledgment of their new status (as well as a chance for them to bask in the gooey warmth of it) than an actual pursuit of their newfound wisdom. But it can still be odd to hear when the answer is, “Exactly the same.”
That’s not to say it’s not lovely. (Why would you want to get married if things were terrible before, or you expected them to become so afterwards?) And I can of course only speak for myself. But very little has actually changed in our lives since we got married. We still live together; share household chores; share paying bills; share the responsibility for the kids; etc. Of course to outsiders I am now officially the kids’ stepmother, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve loved and helped take care of them for many years now. One of the things that has changed is my last name, which is still quite a common tradition. I had actually considered not changing it, but thought if I actually have the chance to make my life easier, why not take it?
One thing that has gone through a lot of different phases of my trying to find the appropriate perspective, without either of us sustaining too much damage, is the place of the kids’ mother in our lives. I’ve come to the conclusion that through these children that we all love and share responsibility for, we are now a family. And, as such, we should be there for each other when needed. Ideally, I’d like us to establish a cooperative working relationship with open communication. And as the mother of the kids that we all love so much, she should know that we would try to be there as much as possible with whatever help or support she needed.
Of course W thinks this is insane and that we’ll never be able to have a decent relationship with her because she is incapable of change. But I guess maybe I actually do have a bit of a naïve streak in me about people’s ability to learn. I think I have.
I’m happier, calmer, more open – to new experiences, ideas, people…life, in general, and more at peace than I’ve ever been in my life. And it’s all thanks to W. But since it’s all one of those bizarre mysteries of life, I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s like he was a piece that was missing from the puzzle of my life. (Oh, he’s going to love this cliché of an analogy :)!) And I know that we’re not supposed to actually need someone to “complete” us – that we’re supposed to stand alone and be strong and confident and happy without anyone else, but I don’t really think most people are built that way. Oh wait, I know, it’s like in one of those Indiana Jones-type adventure movies, where the main character finds a “key” that fits into one of those openings in some pyramid or something and it sets some things in motion and ends up opening some doors and closing others until it transforms the structure into something more beautiful and functional and unexpected. I love those movies. :)
But I wouldn’t say these things have taken place since we’ve gotten married; this has been a gradual progression during our time together. And since I know this to be a life in constant flux, I look forward to much more learning and growing together.
So, maybe “exactly the same” is not the right answer after all :).
Monday, January 12, 2009
This is a repost of a blog I wrote in late October ('08)
The Prop. That 8 Equal Rights
It's been in the media so much lately, that it's difficult not to at the very least have noticed the battle being waged, and at most have actually become personally involved in it. I've recently perused message boards where people try to make sense of it all, but somehow always hit a dead end. In my naiveté, it's difficult for me to understand people—human beings—getting together to keep down another group of people. Obviously, this speaks volumes to my heretofore-unseen Pollyanna-like innocence, since that is exactly what people have been doing to each other since the beginning of time (whenever you happen to believe that was).
After all, this country itself was founded on the idea of overpowering others. So, why would I be surprised at this desire to take (and keep) something away from a group of people based on the fact that…wait, what justification are we giving here? The fact that there is a group of people who don't meet another group's standards? Wouldn't that be discrimination, something our country prides itself on being against?
It's funny that in a conversation about this, the first words I got in reply to my enthusiastic support for defeating Proposition 8, were about how lucky we are to live in this country where we are free to express our opinions.
Except that this is not about expressing opinions. It's actually about taking an entire group of people and treating them as "second class citizens," someone who doesn't deserve the same rights and freedoms as the rest of us.
Oh land of the free, what a hypocrite you can be. (Yes, the rhyme was intentional. I'm obviously quite a poet.)
You'd think this country would learn from all of its past mistakes, try to live up to the ideal it tries to make everyone believe, and actually let up on the prejudiced thinking a little bit.
But I guess that can only come with time. After all, it's only been 143 years since slavery was abolished, 138 years since skin color no longer prohibited one's ability to vote, and 88 years since women have had the right to vote.
Interestingly enough, the United States Supreme Court overturned a Virgina statute prohibiting interracial marriages…in 1967. In Virginia's defense, they were only carrying out the law set by the Racial Integrity Act of 1924, which forbade interracial marriages.
I suppose we should just be grateful there is any progress made at all, thank our lucky stars that we live here and not in some other country where people are looked down on simply because they're different. Hmm…
Ok, that was sneaky of me, to put that in there. After all, our "founding fathers" were white, Christian slave-owners who wanted nothing but the best for…other…white…men…hmm. Wait. This really isn't an attack on this wonderful country that has welcomed my family with open arms (we're white, and straight). I really just wanted to point out that in order to be this idealized place with the "poor…yearning to be free…" (yes, I know France actually stuck us with that send-all-your-riff-raff-here crap), we need to actually be united. Don't keep rights or freedoms or whatever you want to call them from other fellow citizens, other fellow human beings. You want to talk about a "slippery slope," how about taking a second look at history. Shall we establish a "Warsaw Ghetto" for gay people now or wait until we manage to take more rights away?
And if we can actually just decide on a whim that certain people don't deserve certain rights, why the heck do members of the Ku Klux Klan get to marry and procreate? But scarier still, who decides which groups get which rights? (Rhetorical question, obviously the ones with the most money.)
This is NOT about personal opinions; this is about all people being treated like human beings. I'm sorry if one of my friends offends your god; pray that he smites her, but don't take away her freedom to do what you have the freedom to do.
We're here for such a short amount of time. And instead of enjoying it as much as possible and being good to each other, some people expend so much energy on trying to prevent others from enjoying their life. Why? What good comes to you from preventing someone else from having something?
And while I'm at it, I have a challenge to all the Prop. 8 proponents. What atrocities have befallen you since same-sex marriage has been legal? Or women having the right to vote? Or interracial marriage for that matter?
It's been in the media so much lately, that it's difficult not to at the very least have noticed the battle being waged, and at most have actually become personally involved in it. I've recently perused message boards where people try to make sense of it all, but somehow always hit a dead end. In my naiveté, it's difficult for me to understand people—human beings—getting together to keep down another group of people. Obviously, this speaks volumes to my heretofore-unseen Pollyanna-like innocence, since that is exactly what people have been doing to each other since the beginning of time (whenever you happen to believe that was).
After all, this country itself was founded on the idea of overpowering others. So, why would I be surprised at this desire to take (and keep) something away from a group of people based on the fact that…wait, what justification are we giving here? The fact that there is a group of people who don't meet another group's standards? Wouldn't that be discrimination, something our country prides itself on being against?
It's funny that in a conversation about this, the first words I got in reply to my enthusiastic support for defeating Proposition 8, were about how lucky we are to live in this country where we are free to express our opinions.
Except that this is not about expressing opinions. It's actually about taking an entire group of people and treating them as "second class citizens," someone who doesn't deserve the same rights and freedoms as the rest of us.
Oh land of the free, what a hypocrite you can be. (Yes, the rhyme was intentional. I'm obviously quite a poet.)
You'd think this country would learn from all of its past mistakes, try to live up to the ideal it tries to make everyone believe, and actually let up on the prejudiced thinking a little bit.
But I guess that can only come with time. After all, it's only been 143 years since slavery was abolished, 138 years since skin color no longer prohibited one's ability to vote, and 88 years since women have had the right to vote.
Interestingly enough, the United States Supreme Court overturned a Virgina statute prohibiting interracial marriages…in 1967. In Virginia's defense, they were only carrying out the law set by the Racial Integrity Act of 1924, which forbade interracial marriages.
I suppose we should just be grateful there is any progress made at all, thank our lucky stars that we live here and not in some other country where people are looked down on simply because they're different. Hmm…
Ok, that was sneaky of me, to put that in there. After all, our "founding fathers" were white, Christian slave-owners who wanted nothing but the best for…other…white…men…hmm. Wait. This really isn't an attack on this wonderful country that has welcomed my family with open arms (we're white, and straight). I really just wanted to point out that in order to be this idealized place with the "poor…yearning to be free…" (yes, I know France actually stuck us with that send-all-your-riff-raff-here crap), we need to actually be united. Don't keep rights or freedoms or whatever you want to call them from other fellow citizens, other fellow human beings. You want to talk about a "slippery slope," how about taking a second look at history. Shall we establish a "Warsaw Ghetto" for gay people now or wait until we manage to take more rights away?
And if we can actually just decide on a whim that certain people don't deserve certain rights, why the heck do members of the Ku Klux Klan get to marry and procreate? But scarier still, who decides which groups get which rights? (Rhetorical question, obviously the ones with the most money.)
This is NOT about personal opinions; this is about all people being treated like human beings. I'm sorry if one of my friends offends your god; pray that he smites her, but don't take away her freedom to do what you have the freedom to do.
We're here for such a short amount of time. And instead of enjoying it as much as possible and being good to each other, some people expend so much energy on trying to prevent others from enjoying their life. Why? What good comes to you from preventing someone else from having something?
And while I'm at it, I have a challenge to all the Prop. 8 proponents. What atrocities have befallen you since same-sex marriage has been legal? Or women having the right to vote? Or interracial marriage for that matter?
Friday, January 9, 2009
...Peace, Love, and...
So many different things have been on my mind lately that I’ve been wanting to really say something about (meaning, of course, write something about) that they’ve gotten me to a point of a rather jumbled, confused tone on what seems to be a Frankenstein’s monster-like concept mashup. (Yes, even the description falls into that category.)
“Well, sort through it and speak your mind,” I hear you, my imaginary audience, say.
“But—" I start to whine, then stop, quickly reminding myself how much I hate to hear whining.
That’s part of the problem, though—not the whining, I can keep that under control, most of the time—the wading through all of life’s noise and being able to articulate its effect on me in pieces. Because let’s face it, life doesn’t come at you one event at a time. When something happens—good or bad—the rest of the world doesn’t stop so you can acknowledge it and assess the impact. Life doesn’t stop for anything – until it finally does, at which point it’s really not to help us be able to slow down and tidy up emotionally.
This has been the prevailing topic for me lately, a thought at the back of my mind as I weave my way through the days of life both mundane and exciting. (And they really can be both, can’t they?) It’s so simplistic, it may sound naïve or childish. And some of you may think I’ve fallen and hit my head on something hard or become the victim of some cult. But when you break things down to the most basic way of looking at them, life is short and unpredictable. Why is it that we, the supposedly most intelligent creatures on Earth, have such a difficult time respecting and valuing life? Everyone’s life is finite. So, we’re all in the same boat (as living beings). And this is where everything starts.
I don’t understand why it’s supposedly human nature to dominate others, to push those who are weaker, to take advantage of those less intelligent, to take things from people simply because we want them too, to fight and kill others because they have a different ideology from ours…That last one, of course, those who know me well enough will (probably shake their heads and wonder why my parents didn’t just have me brainwashed by a specific religion when I was younger) recognize as one of (yes, Christopher, one of) the most baffling topics for me. And I suppose the other traits could be argued as simple animal instincts (even though we’re supposed to be so much better than animals), but to devise ways to see each other as different...And as such, of course someone has to be better, someone has to be right.
It just seems pointless to spend the short amount of time we have here worrying about, or trying to change, fight and destroy what someone else believes if it doesn’t happen to align with what we do. And that can’t be argued by comparing us to other animals. It’s not about survival or any sort of physical threat. It’s our choice to perceive things as we do. And I think it’s sad that one of the prime examples of how great our minds are is also what causes so many problems for us in the world. Are human beings too complex to ever really know peace? Do we over think (and “under feel”) things?
“Well, sort through it and speak your mind,” I hear you, my imaginary audience, say.
“But—" I start to whine, then stop, quickly reminding myself how much I hate to hear whining.
That’s part of the problem, though—not the whining, I can keep that under control, most of the time—the wading through all of life’s noise and being able to articulate its effect on me in pieces. Because let’s face it, life doesn’t come at you one event at a time. When something happens—good or bad—the rest of the world doesn’t stop so you can acknowledge it and assess the impact. Life doesn’t stop for anything – until it finally does, at which point it’s really not to help us be able to slow down and tidy up emotionally.
This has been the prevailing topic for me lately, a thought at the back of my mind as I weave my way through the days of life both mundane and exciting. (And they really can be both, can’t they?) It’s so simplistic, it may sound naïve or childish. And some of you may think I’ve fallen and hit my head on something hard or become the victim of some cult. But when you break things down to the most basic way of looking at them, life is short and unpredictable. Why is it that we, the supposedly most intelligent creatures on Earth, have such a difficult time respecting and valuing life? Everyone’s life is finite. So, we’re all in the same boat (as living beings). And this is where everything starts.
I don’t understand why it’s supposedly human nature to dominate others, to push those who are weaker, to take advantage of those less intelligent, to take things from people simply because we want them too, to fight and kill others because they have a different ideology from ours…That last one, of course, those who know me well enough will (probably shake their heads and wonder why my parents didn’t just have me brainwashed by a specific religion when I was younger) recognize as one of (yes, Christopher, one of) the most baffling topics for me. And I suppose the other traits could be argued as simple animal instincts (even though we’re supposed to be so much better than animals), but to devise ways to see each other as different...And as such, of course someone has to be better, someone has to be right.
It just seems pointless to spend the short amount of time we have here worrying about, or trying to change, fight and destroy what someone else believes if it doesn’t happen to align with what we do. And that can’t be argued by comparing us to other animals. It’s not about survival or any sort of physical threat. It’s our choice to perceive things as we do. And I think it’s sad that one of the prime examples of how great our minds are is also what causes so many problems for us in the world. Are human beings too complex to ever really know peace? Do we over think (and “under feel”) things?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Something New
I feel that I've posted enough old stuff on here to get this started and wanted to begin adding new items. (Of course not everyone I know has read all of my old stuff, so it's probably not as tiring to some as it is to others. And "Black"was actually rather recent.) Not that I have anything new to share yet :). And while I didn't want this to be an online journal of oversharing or overly personal thoughts, I guess it wouldn't hurt to actually come on here to talk a little about life in all its colors.
So, another year has begun. And while I realize that 2008 is generally considered to have been a tough one, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it and am personally not as happy to see it go as almost everyone else seems to be. 2008 was filled with my usual, and some new, experiences: Paley Festival events in the spring; Pageant of the Masters in the summer; a couple of plays (My Fair Lady and Spring Awakening); meeting new people and making new friends; getting to see old ones, which is always a great treat; planning and having our wedding; a Beastly Bedtime event at the Wild Animal Park (which was such a fun time N wants to do it again this year); moving to a much more spacious place; being there as N started swimming on her own (no floaties) for the first time; all of C's soccer games (they are seriously so unexpectedly fun); getting the two wonderful additions to our family, Dizzy and Oliver, who are so cuddly and sweet (and now partners in crime); visiting the Getty Villa for the first time; and many more little moments that make life what it is.
In this economy, I'm very grateful to still have a job, especially considering the field I work in. But somehow things seem to keep moving for us - my employer is really good at what he does and really deserves all the success he can get (and besides that, he's a great person who is incredibly wonderful to work for, something I'm very appreciative of and grateful for). W also has a seemingly stable job, with great benefits, and keeps finding new things to become involved with and interested in, so hopefully that will keep him from ever getting too bored.
The kids are wonderful and growing more so all the time. They each have their own distinct personalities but are very close and get along wonderfully. They're bright, caring, happy kids who bring a lot of happiness into our lives. N is very generous and loves to give gifts to others, often things she's made herself; she always seems to be thinking of others. C, who is less outgoing, is very good at learning new things quickly. He loves all sports, is good with working as a team or alone, and always gives 100% to everything he does. I'm very happy to have them both in my life.
Well, this feels like a little report card of my life so far :), so I guess I felt like sharing some of the more personal anyway. Well, I'll be back to write something more profound when I feel better (physically), but for now, I think this is a good introduction.
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