Indiana Jones and the Temple of Marriage

“So, how’s married life?”

It’s funny how that replaces the standard “How are you?” greeting for a few months after your wedding. Of course, having posed the question to newlyweds myself, I know it’s more of an acknowledgment of their new status (as well as a chance for them to bask in the gooey warmth of it) than an actual pursuit of their newfound wisdom. But it can still be odd to hear when the answer is, “Exactly the same.”

That’s not to say it’s not lovely. (Why would you want to get married if things were terrible before, or you expected them to become so afterwards?) And I can of course only speak for myself. But very little has actually changed in our lives since we got married. We still live together; share household chores; share paying bills; share the responsibility for the kids; etc. Of course to outsiders I am now officially the kids’ stepmother, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve loved and helped take care of them for many years now. One of the things that has changed is my last name, which is still quite a common tradition. I had actually considered not changing it, but thought if I actually have the chance to make my life easier, why not take it?

One thing that has gone through a lot of different phases of my trying to find the appropriate perspective, without either of us sustaining too much damage, is the place of the kids’ mother in our lives. I’ve come to the conclusion that through these children that we all love and share responsibility for, we are now a family. And, as such, we should be there for each other when needed. Ideally, I’d like us to establish a cooperative working relationship with open communication. And as the mother of the kids that we all love so much, she should know that we would try to be there as much as possible with whatever help or support she needed.

Of course W thinks this is insane and that we’ll never be able to have a decent relationship with her because she is incapable of change. But I guess maybe I actually do have a bit of a naïve streak in me about people’s ability to learn. I think I have.

I’m happier, calmer, more open – to new experiences, ideas, people…life, in general, and more at peace than I’ve ever been in my life. And it’s all thanks to W. But since it’s all one of those bizarre mysteries of life, I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s like he was a piece that was missing from the puzzle of my life. (Oh, he’s going to love this cliché of an analogy :)!) And I know that we’re not supposed to actually need someone to “complete” us – that we’re supposed to stand alone and be strong and confident and happy without anyone else, but I don’t really think most people are built that way. Oh wait, I know, it’s like in one of those Indiana Jones-type adventure movies, where the main character finds a “key” that fits into one of those openings in some pyramid or something and it sets some things in motion and ends up opening some doors and closing others until it transforms the structure into something more beautiful and functional and unexpected. I love those movies. :)

But I wouldn’t say these things have taken place since we’ve gotten married; this has been a gradual progression during our time together. And since I know this to be a life in constant flux, I look forward to much more learning and growing together.

So, maybe “exactly the same” is not the right answer after all :).