I initially started thinking about this in terms of political affiliation. There seems to be this belief held by a particular side that the way to win an argument is by either talking over those who disagree with your view or simply insulting them. Facts be damned. Rational arguments are of no use in such cases. It’s all a matter of that squeaky wheel getting all the oil in the world.
It seems that some groups are trying to monopolize this arguing-without-an argument strategy. They probably have handbooks. Maybe they have secret meetings where the secret handbooks are given out and they all stand around practicing yelling over each other. Then they all take turns coming up with insults that they throw out before quickly turning to walk away to have theirs be the last word. This zinger is supposed to take place of any actual, reasonable argument they might have (but usually don’t, hence the need for the zinger). I don’t think the secret meetings touch on any content, since that’s not the arguing strategy taught there. It’s all about saying as little as possible about the actual topic, throwing in some supposedly patriotic statement while questioning the opponent’s patriotism, and then of course ending with a personal attack on their character, intelligence, etc.
But the more I started thinking about putting this down on paper (after a mini confrontation with someone who thought the way to disagree with my opinion was to just call me nuts), the more I realized how unfair it would be to associate this with a group based solely on politics. Honestly, I’ve been frustrated enough with someone in the past to question their sanity (of course, her sanity is often in question). And I’m sure many of us have an embarrassing memory of having resorted to angry name-calling at some point. So, while it seems that to be unwilling to listen to reason, to use irrational gibberish to try to win an argument, or when presented with irrefutable facts, to revert to tactics of 3-year-olds is the domain of a particular political set, it’s not as simple as that. For though they are the true leaders of this “Nah-nah-I-can’t-hear-you” defense, they are not the only users.
It’s come to my attention that the people who have the weakest arguments are more inclined to do more of the yelling. I guess their theory is if you have nothing to say, just make more noise than your opponent. Definitely don’t stop long enough to listen (or you may be confused by their use of reason). And never back down. Can you imagine the horror of actually having to admit to your opponent that maybe you’ve rethought your previous position and have come to the conclusion that you were—gasp—wrong? Some groups are never wrong. It’s against their religion or political beliefs – or both. Just like some individuals can never be wrong. I don’t know what would happen to them if they were to admit that maybe the possibility of it exists – spontaneously combust, maybe? Who would want to take that chance?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Excuse Me, Do You Have the Time?
It seems that this blog could almost be called "The Shitty Crap You Have to Deal With When Your Wonderful New Husband Has a Wicked Witch of An Ex-Wife." But that would be a bit cumbersome (not to mention redundant), and I'm hoping not to actually have this turn into a whiny collection of woe-is-me stories. However, for the moment, I can't seem to help it. So, grab a seat and a voodoo doll and let's begin.
Once upon a time, on a beautiful, hot summer evening, a lovely but somewhat hot and sweaty lady was driving home after an exceptionally late day at work. She was feeling very good about having accomplished all that she had that day, and enjoying the near-perfect summer evening, was in high spirits. Her husband--a man she thought of often throughout her days, grateful for how lucky she was to have found him--was in class that night. On certain nights of the week, he goes to class straight from work, so they don't see each other until late.
Realizing that she didn't know what time to expect her wonderful bonus children the next morning, she sent a text to their mother, asking her what time she planned to drop them off.
Oh, yes, we should mention here that this lovely lady not only works full time, but is also a bonus mom and part-time caretaker for her husband's wonderful children. On certain days when her husband is working away to help support two households (theirs and his ex-wife's) and can't afford to take another day off to be with the kids he loves so much, lovely lady steps in and takes days off from her job to take care of them. I know what you're thinking, "Aw, that is sooo sweet and wonderful of her!" Most people do. (Well, except the ones poisoned by the ex with her twisted stories.)
But not only does she take days off to be with them, she's also very involved with every aspect of their upbringing while in their happy household. And--that's right kiddies, there's more--she does all she can to make the kids feel comfortable and able to talk about anything they want. She's even helped the kids pick out gifts for their mom (and paid for them, naturally, since the kids are too young to work). She's sent pictures of them to her; made copies of any paperwork that was only sent to one household; volunteered to take them whenever needed; shared extra-curricular activity information with her; and basically tried to establish a friendly, cooperative relationship with her.
Well, I'm sure you're thinking that this sounds lovely and you're sure that they now have a solid, happy relationship, since obviously both women only want what's best for the children - and to set a good example. Alas, you would be wrong. (I can hear the gasps now. I'll give you a moment to regain your composure.)
All right, let's settle down again.
This woman (in no way anywhere near as clever, witty or funny as the play whose title makes you think it's about her) refuses to acknowledge any kindness shown to her children by lovely lady. She, in fact, insists that Lovely Lady is "overstepping her bounds." We must wonder if that refers to all the money she spends on the children; all the time she spends playing with them, reading to them, helping them with their homework; all the days she takes off work to stay home with them; all the days she leaves early to pick them up from school; all the positive, supportive statements she makes whenever they bring up their mother; all the ways in which she tries to do her best to make sure they're happy, safe, comfortable, supported and feel loved. I suppose I see her point now. That is a lot of overstepping. Imagine someone completely unrelated to you caring that much about you - how rude!
And tonight's infringement?
Well, the text asked what time ex would drop off kiddos before she starts her day of...wait, what was it again she does? Work? Nope. School? Not at the moment. Volunteering with less fortunate people? Ha! Um, her day of...freeloading? Ahem. We move on.
Apparently it wouldn't have been ethical for her to answer directly. After all, ex is dealing with a rogue not-her-kid loving bonus mom who thinks she has the right to dare ask such a question of her. The insolence! She instead invited Lovely Lady to play the old telephone game, asking her to go to her husband who would then ask ex, who would readily reply, which husband would then convey to Lovely Lady. So much simpler than just texting back a number. (Single digit even, no a.m. necessary.) I know, I'm exhausted now just thinking about it.
So, how did the whole fiasco end? Poor husband was once again caught in the middle and ended up making a dreaded phone call to ex to try to reason with her, for a moment setting aside common sense. Needless to say, no reasoning was accomplished, as ex is extremely allergic to reason. She did manage to spout off her usual list of offenses committed by the couple against her - the overstepping of bounds and whatnot.
And while I wish there was a brilliant moral-of-the-story type of ending here, with lessons learned, tears shed and hugs all around, all I can promise you is that ex makes is abundantly clear that she will never try reason, understanding, compassion, letting go, or any of the secret ancient methods that have helped people get along for centuries. Those must be against her religion.
Filler
I got tired of seeing the same post every time I clicked over to the blog, so I felt compelled to post something--anything--else. So, blah, blah, blah. :)
I think I like the disciplined way in which the Simon and Ivan blog is scheduled to be updated ever so regularly (aside from times of illness and camping mishaps) and feel inspired to follow suit. Of course there are two of them to share the updating duties. But I'll persevere. Power through, etc. Plus, I really do like to - what would the writing equivalent of hear oneself talk be? I like to read my own writing. Sometimes, when I've written what I consider a clever piece (and really, if you can't be your own fan how can you expect others to be?) I read it whenever I stumble upon it and praise my own wittiness in my head (or out loud, if a family member happens to be near). I know it's odd to admit to such behavior without having had a drop of alcohol, but I'm choosing to think of it as honest and possibly brave instead.
Ok, that'll do for now.
I think I like the disciplined way in which the Simon and Ivan blog is scheduled to be updated ever so regularly (aside from times of illness and camping mishaps) and feel inspired to follow suit. Of course there are two of them to share the updating duties. But I'll persevere. Power through, etc. Plus, I really do like to - what would the writing equivalent of hear oneself talk be? I like to read my own writing. Sometimes, when I've written what I consider a clever piece (and really, if you can't be your own fan how can you expect others to be?) I read it whenever I stumble upon it and praise my own wittiness in my head (or out loud, if a family member happens to be near). I know it's odd to admit to such behavior without having had a drop of alcohol, but I'm choosing to think of it as honest and possibly brave instead.
Ok, that'll do for now.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Mother of the Year
Well, it looks like I won’t have to worry about rushing the kids to C’s soccer practice before karate on Thursdays. His mom decided that she’s pulling him out.
After four seasons of sharing the responsibilities of taking him to practice and games—and actually being the one to have introduced him to the sport to begin with—she’s decided that they would do something else fun as a family on her days.
The problem started with W and me assuming that since C’s been in soccer for this long, and has always said he wants to keep playing soccer, there was no question about signing him up again for this season. Apparently, the mother had her own ideas. So, upset that he didn’t call to confirm that it was okay with her (since they share custody pretty evenly, practices and games always fall on both parents’ days) to sign him up for this season, she told W that she didn’t think her schedule would work with soccer this time. W then of course assured her that anytime she needed help in getting C to either practices or games, we would gladly help. At one point she seemed to be on board, and even volunteered to buy him the cleats this time.
Then the day of the first practice came. She showed up (on W’s day with the kids, but whatever), we made small talk and everything seemed to be going fine until the coach got there. He passed out a roster that he himself created from the list of kids’ applications he was given. Since W was the one to have filled out the application, his name was first on the information sheet. So, the roster contained our names and address and W’s phone number. But not the bio mom’s. Here is where I need to add the ironic (even if it’s not technically ironic) part about how I volunteered to be team mom so we could for once not have the problems that go along with two households and someone who doesn’t understand what “two households” means. I was planning on making sure both sets of parents received copies of the schedule, both had to participate in bringing snack, both had to contribute money toward the end of the season party, and both got to bring home a soccer “trophy” at the end of the season. Basically, I wanted to avoid problems like this roster snafu and any communication problems that past team moms have had in distinguishing between our two households. So, of course once she saw that she was not on the roster, she angrily announced it to everyone as if it had been a deliberate attack on her personally. Strike one.
The other problem came with the fact that the coach said since the teams were still being formed, the practices were being moved around. Ours had been changed to where the second one in the week would also fall on her day. Several parents (including the coach) complained about this, and he said he would try to do what he could to find us a place we could all agree on where we could hold the practices on the days originally scheduled.
However, this came after the bio mom had already approached me about how inappropriate it was for me to be the team mom, especially since practices would now be on her days. And by the way, W should have never signed him up for this in the first place without calling her, and so she’s just going to pull him out. I questioned why she thinks C should not get to play just because she decided her schedule wouldn’t fit it in if we both offered to get him there whenever she needed. But she was too wrapped up in being angry to have anything to say other than she was pulling him out.
Over the next day, there was e-mail communication between all parties (I asked her if she would let him play if I stepped down as team mom) that was basically one side pleading for her to reconsider and think about her son and not only his love for the game, but the benefits of playing a team sport with his peers, and the other side being stubbornly selfish.
She apparently explained to the kids that he can’t be in soccer this season because she is so busy with her school schedule. And I’m sure less of an explanation would make it okay coming from mom. But to an adult, the explanation of not having the time to take him to practice but being unwilling to let us take him to practice doesn’t seem to add up. If he is with her the whole time on her days, why can’t she find some time to drive him over to watch him participate in something he really enjoys? And if she’s too busy to do that, then where are the kids going to be on her days during the times that she’s too busy for soccer?
I also have to add here that in past seasons she came to every practice the kids had on our days, without finding that “inappropriate” in any way.
Ok, so this is one small frustrating example of how difficult it is to deal with volatile people who only see things through their own twisted perspective and refuse to listen to reason. And there are so many more. But this one, I think, is the most telling about her character, and her self-proclaimed status as a good mom. All she sees is herself. And when someone tries to point out the flaw in that stance, she twists it around until she can back up her view. I just think it’s sad when a mother decides her feelings are more important than her child.
After four seasons of sharing the responsibilities of taking him to practice and games—and actually being the one to have introduced him to the sport to begin with—she’s decided that they would do something else fun as a family on her days.
The problem started with W and me assuming that since C’s been in soccer for this long, and has always said he wants to keep playing soccer, there was no question about signing him up again for this season. Apparently, the mother had her own ideas. So, upset that he didn’t call to confirm that it was okay with her (since they share custody pretty evenly, practices and games always fall on both parents’ days) to sign him up for this season, she told W that she didn’t think her schedule would work with soccer this time. W then of course assured her that anytime she needed help in getting C to either practices or games, we would gladly help. At one point she seemed to be on board, and even volunteered to buy him the cleats this time.
Then the day of the first practice came. She showed up (on W’s day with the kids, but whatever), we made small talk and everything seemed to be going fine until the coach got there. He passed out a roster that he himself created from the list of kids’ applications he was given. Since W was the one to have filled out the application, his name was first on the information sheet. So, the roster contained our names and address and W’s phone number. But not the bio mom’s. Here is where I need to add the ironic (even if it’s not technically ironic) part about how I volunteered to be team mom so we could for once not have the problems that go along with two households and someone who doesn’t understand what “two households” means. I was planning on making sure both sets of parents received copies of the schedule, both had to participate in bringing snack, both had to contribute money toward the end of the season party, and both got to bring home a soccer “trophy” at the end of the season. Basically, I wanted to avoid problems like this roster snafu and any communication problems that past team moms have had in distinguishing between our two households. So, of course once she saw that she was not on the roster, she angrily announced it to everyone as if it had been a deliberate attack on her personally. Strike one.
The other problem came with the fact that the coach said since the teams were still being formed, the practices were being moved around. Ours had been changed to where the second one in the week would also fall on her day. Several parents (including the coach) complained about this, and he said he would try to do what he could to find us a place we could all agree on where we could hold the practices on the days originally scheduled.
However, this came after the bio mom had already approached me about how inappropriate it was for me to be the team mom, especially since practices would now be on her days. And by the way, W should have never signed him up for this in the first place without calling her, and so she’s just going to pull him out. I questioned why she thinks C should not get to play just because she decided her schedule wouldn’t fit it in if we both offered to get him there whenever she needed. But she was too wrapped up in being angry to have anything to say other than she was pulling him out.
Over the next day, there was e-mail communication between all parties (I asked her if she would let him play if I stepped down as team mom) that was basically one side pleading for her to reconsider and think about her son and not only his love for the game, but the benefits of playing a team sport with his peers, and the other side being stubbornly selfish.
She apparently explained to the kids that he can’t be in soccer this season because she is so busy with her school schedule. And I’m sure less of an explanation would make it okay coming from mom. But to an adult, the explanation of not having the time to take him to practice but being unwilling to let us take him to practice doesn’t seem to add up. If he is with her the whole time on her days, why can’t she find some time to drive him over to watch him participate in something he really enjoys? And if she’s too busy to do that, then where are the kids going to be on her days during the times that she’s too busy for soccer?
I also have to add here that in past seasons she came to every practice the kids had on our days, without finding that “inappropriate” in any way.
Ok, so this is one small frustrating example of how difficult it is to deal with volatile people who only see things through their own twisted perspective and refuse to listen to reason. And there are so many more. But this one, I think, is the most telling about her character, and her self-proclaimed status as a good mom. All she sees is herself. And when someone tries to point out the flaw in that stance, she twists it around until she can back up her view. I just think it’s sad when a mother decides her feelings are more important than her child.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Don't Look Now
Admittedly, I am not in a good mood today. Everyone had a hard time getting up this morning; I found out that the radio station I’ve been listening to on my drive in to work is switching to a Top 40 format, getting rid of my favorite morning talk show; and then I got a link to a news story, several months old, that shows how closed-minded the city I live in is. (Of course the last part was made perfectly clear during the most recent elections, during which the whole place basically turned into some scary, homophobic nightmare.)
This news story, it seems, came at the precise moment to fill my irritability containment receptacle to its capacity and push me over the edge. And while it’s several months old—the situation occurred in November—what it describes is too much for me not to rant about.
It seems there was a billboard installed in our fair (ha!) city, leased by the Freedom From Religion Foundation, and taken down about a week later because of numerous complaints that the city received from its residents. And by numerous, they mean around 90. (The current population of Rancho Cucamonga is over 170,000.)
“Wow, that must have been some offensive billboard,” I hear you saying. What despicable acts against humanity was it trying to promote? What vulgar language were the children of the Jewel of the Inland Empire going to be exposed to? What powerful, brainwashing message of hate was it cleverly implanting in our fragile, susceptible brains?
“Everyone who doesn’t believe as we do is going to hell.”
No, sorry, that was on the marquee of a church. Actually, the billboard read: “Imagine No Religion.”
Outrageous, right? I mean who are those Godless, Hell-bound people to tell us that there’s another way of looking at things? And to quote that heretic who once compared himself to Jesus?! Not only should the billboard have been removed as soon as anyone with half a Bible spotted it, but the offenders should have been appropriately punished. Maybe we could have had them burned at the stake in the center of Victoria Gardens – in that area where they put the Christmas tree each year. That way we could accommodate a nice sized crowd and people could do some shopping afterwards. All the food vendors could set up carts to make it more convenient for the masses. Ah, well, maybe next time.
That is, unless they’ve learned their lesson and decided to abandon the idea that freedom of speech will be tolerated in as closed-minded a city as this one. During the November elections, numerous intersections played host to small crowds of people who had nothing better to do with their time but stand on a street corner—sometimes with their small kids in tow—and wave signs of bigotry and hate toward fellow human beings to persuade others into taking certain rights from them. Yes, it’s a glorious city.
So, lie-bearing signs of hate all over the city then were not offensive, and were just a show of support for one side of an issue on the ballot, right?
The freeway I drive to and from work each day has recently acquired a new billboard—two-sided, so you can’t miss it in either direction—that talks about needing Jesus. When I saw it I thought, “Hm. Someone spent money on that.” I wasn’t offended, even though it’s not what I believe and I would prefer to see cute images of cats or bunnies instead. But it would never even occur to me that I should be offended by it. It doesn’t speak to me, oh well, let’s move on. It won’t change my mind (Aha! Maybe I’m not as susceptible to advertisements as we thought!), and it doesn’t scare me. Why should someone’s opinion about what they choose to believe offend me?
And as I don’t think that I have any special powers in this area, I believe others should be capable of the same. If you don’t like to look at something, read something, watch a show, listen to certain music – really, do anything that is available by choice, don’t. Don’t look at a billboard that states something that disagrees with your sensibilities. Don’t go to church if you’re going to be disrespectful toward the people who believe its teachings. But if you’re the one at church, don’t walk out to the first person you see and tell him he’s bad because he wasn’t in there with you. People in general really need to stop being so easily offended by…everything. How about trying to be more accepting instead?
This news story, it seems, came at the precise moment to fill my irritability containment receptacle to its capacity and push me over the edge. And while it’s several months old—the situation occurred in November—what it describes is too much for me not to rant about.
It seems there was a billboard installed in our fair (ha!) city, leased by the Freedom From Religion Foundation, and taken down about a week later because of numerous complaints that the city received from its residents. And by numerous, they mean around 90. (The current population of Rancho Cucamonga is over 170,000.)
“Wow, that must have been some offensive billboard,” I hear you saying. What despicable acts against humanity was it trying to promote? What vulgar language were the children of the Jewel of the Inland Empire going to be exposed to? What powerful, brainwashing message of hate was it cleverly implanting in our fragile, susceptible brains?
“Everyone who doesn’t believe as we do is going to hell.”
No, sorry, that was on the marquee of a church. Actually, the billboard read: “Imagine No Religion.”
Outrageous, right? I mean who are those Godless, Hell-bound people to tell us that there’s another way of looking at things? And to quote that heretic who once compared himself to Jesus?! Not only should the billboard have been removed as soon as anyone with half a Bible spotted it, but the offenders should have been appropriately punished. Maybe we could have had them burned at the stake in the center of Victoria Gardens – in that area where they put the Christmas tree each year. That way we could accommodate a nice sized crowd and people could do some shopping afterwards. All the food vendors could set up carts to make it more convenient for the masses. Ah, well, maybe next time.
That is, unless they’ve learned their lesson and decided to abandon the idea that freedom of speech will be tolerated in as closed-minded a city as this one. During the November elections, numerous intersections played host to small crowds of people who had nothing better to do with their time but stand on a street corner—sometimes with their small kids in tow—and wave signs of bigotry and hate toward fellow human beings to persuade others into taking certain rights from them. Yes, it’s a glorious city.
So, lie-bearing signs of hate all over the city then were not offensive, and were just a show of support for one side of an issue on the ballot, right?
The freeway I drive to and from work each day has recently acquired a new billboard—two-sided, so you can’t miss it in either direction—that talks about needing Jesus. When I saw it I thought, “Hm. Someone spent money on that.” I wasn’t offended, even though it’s not what I believe and I would prefer to see cute images of cats or bunnies instead. But it would never even occur to me that I should be offended by it. It doesn’t speak to me, oh well, let’s move on. It won’t change my mind (Aha! Maybe I’m not as susceptible to advertisements as we thought!), and it doesn’t scare me. Why should someone’s opinion about what they choose to believe offend me?
And as I don’t think that I have any special powers in this area, I believe others should be capable of the same. If you don’t like to look at something, read something, watch a show, listen to certain music – really, do anything that is available by choice, don’t. Don’t look at a billboard that states something that disagrees with your sensibilities. Don’t go to church if you’re going to be disrespectful toward the people who believe its teachings. But if you’re the one at church, don’t walk out to the first person you see and tell him he’s bad because he wasn’t in there with you. People in general really need to stop being so easily offended by…everything. How about trying to be more accepting instead?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Marriage
“So, how’s married life?”
It’s funny how that replaces the standard “How are you?” greeting for a few months after your wedding. Of course, having posed the question to newlyweds myself, I know it’s more of an acknowledgment of their new status (as well as a chance for them to bask in the gooey warmth of it) than an actual pursuit of their newfound wisdom. But it can still be odd to hear when the answer is, “Exactly the same.”
That’s not to say it’s not lovely. (Why would you want to get married if things were terrible before, or you expected them to become so afterwards?) And I can of course only speak for myself. But very little has actually changed in our lives since we got married. We still live together; share household chores; share paying bills; share the responsibility for the kids; etc. Of course to outsiders I am now officially the kids’ stepmother, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve loved and helped take care of them for many years now. One of the things that has changed is my last name, which is still quite a common tradition. I had actually considered not changing it, but thought if I actually have the chance to make my life easier, why not take it?
One thing that has gone through a lot of different phases of my trying to find the appropriate perspective, without either of us sustaining too much damage, is the place of the kids’ mother in our lives. I’ve come to the conclusion that through these children that we all love and share responsibility for, we are now a family. And, as such, we should be there for each other when needed. Ideally, I’d like us to establish a cooperative working relationship with open communication. And as the mother of the kids that we all love so much, she should know that we would try to be there as much as possible with whatever help or support she needed.
Of course W thinks this is insane and that we’ll never be able to have a decent relationship with her because she is incapable of change. But I guess maybe I actually do have a bit of a naïve streak in me about people’s ability to learn. I think I have.
I’m happier, calmer, more open – to new experiences, ideas, people…life, in general, and more at peace than I’ve ever been in my life. And it’s all thanks to W. But since it’s all one of those bizarre mysteries of life, I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s like he was a piece that was missing from the puzzle of my life. (Oh, he’s going to love this cliché of an analogy :)!) And I know that we’re not supposed to actually need someone to “complete” us – that we’re supposed to stand alone and be strong and confident and happy without anyone else, but I don’t really think most people are built that way. Oh wait, I know, it’s like in one of those Indiana Jones-type adventure movies, where the main character finds a “key” that fits into one of those openings in some pyramid or something and it sets some things in motion and ends up opening some doors and closing others until it transforms the structure into something more beautiful and functional and unexpected. I love those movies. :)
But I wouldn’t say these things have taken place since we’ve gotten married; this has been a gradual progression during our time together. And since I know this to be a life in constant flux, I look forward to much more learning and growing together.
So, maybe “exactly the same” is not the right answer after all :).
It’s funny how that replaces the standard “How are you?” greeting for a few months after your wedding. Of course, having posed the question to newlyweds myself, I know it’s more of an acknowledgment of their new status (as well as a chance for them to bask in the gooey warmth of it) than an actual pursuit of their newfound wisdom. But it can still be odd to hear when the answer is, “Exactly the same.”
That’s not to say it’s not lovely. (Why would you want to get married if things were terrible before, or you expected them to become so afterwards?) And I can of course only speak for myself. But very little has actually changed in our lives since we got married. We still live together; share household chores; share paying bills; share the responsibility for the kids; etc. Of course to outsiders I am now officially the kids’ stepmother, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve loved and helped take care of them for many years now. One of the things that has changed is my last name, which is still quite a common tradition. I had actually considered not changing it, but thought if I actually have the chance to make my life easier, why not take it?
One thing that has gone through a lot of different phases of my trying to find the appropriate perspective, without either of us sustaining too much damage, is the place of the kids’ mother in our lives. I’ve come to the conclusion that through these children that we all love and share responsibility for, we are now a family. And, as such, we should be there for each other when needed. Ideally, I’d like us to establish a cooperative working relationship with open communication. And as the mother of the kids that we all love so much, she should know that we would try to be there as much as possible with whatever help or support she needed.
Of course W thinks this is insane and that we’ll never be able to have a decent relationship with her because she is incapable of change. But I guess maybe I actually do have a bit of a naïve streak in me about people’s ability to learn. I think I have.
I’m happier, calmer, more open – to new experiences, ideas, people…life, in general, and more at peace than I’ve ever been in my life. And it’s all thanks to W. But since it’s all one of those bizarre mysteries of life, I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s like he was a piece that was missing from the puzzle of my life. (Oh, he’s going to love this cliché of an analogy :)!) And I know that we’re not supposed to actually need someone to “complete” us – that we’re supposed to stand alone and be strong and confident and happy without anyone else, but I don’t really think most people are built that way. Oh wait, I know, it’s like in one of those Indiana Jones-type adventure movies, where the main character finds a “key” that fits into one of those openings in some pyramid or something and it sets some things in motion and ends up opening some doors and closing others until it transforms the structure into something more beautiful and functional and unexpected. I love those movies. :)
But I wouldn’t say these things have taken place since we’ve gotten married; this has been a gradual progression during our time together. And since I know this to be a life in constant flux, I look forward to much more learning and growing together.
So, maybe “exactly the same” is not the right answer after all :).
This is a repost of a blog I wrote in late October ('08)
The Prop. That 8 Equal Rights
It's been in the media so much lately, that it's difficult not to at the very least have noticed the battle being waged, and at most have actually become personally involved in it. I've recently perused message boards where people try to make sense of it all, but somehow always hit a dead end. In my naiveté, it's difficult for me to understand people—human beings—getting together to keep down another group of people. Obviously, this speaks volumes to my heretofore-unseen Pollyanna-like innocence, since that is exactly what people have been doing to each other since the beginning of time (whenever you happen to believe that was).
After all, this country itself was founded on the idea of overpowering others. So, why would I be surprised at this desire to take (and keep) something away from a group of people based on the fact that…wait, what justification are we giving here? The fact that there is a group of people who don't meet another group's standards? Wouldn't that be discrimination, something our country prides itself on being against?
It's funny that in a conversation about this, the first words I got in reply to my enthusiastic support for defeating Proposition 8, were about how lucky we are to live in this country where we are free to express our opinions.
Except that this is not about expressing opinions. It's actually about taking an entire group of people and treating them as "second class citizens," someone who doesn't deserve the same rights and freedoms as the rest of us.
Oh land of the free, what a hypocrite you can be. (Yes, the rhyme was intentional. I'm obviously quite a poet.)
You'd think this country would learn from all of its past mistakes, try to live up to the ideal it tries to make everyone believe, and actually let up on the prejudiced thinking a little bit.
But I guess that can only come with time. After all, it's only been 143 years since slavery was abolished, 138 years since skin color no longer prohibited one's ability to vote, and 88 years since women have had the right to vote.
Interestingly enough, the United States Supreme Court overturned a Virgina statute prohibiting interracial marriages…in 1967. In Virginia's defense, they were only carrying out the law set by the Racial Integrity Act of 1924, which forbade interracial marriages.
I suppose we should just be grateful there is any progress made at all, thank our lucky stars that we live here and not in some other country where people are looked down on simply because they're different. Hmm…
Ok, that was sneaky of me, to put that in there. After all, our "founding fathers" were white, Christian slave-owners who wanted nothing but the best for…other…white…men…hmm. Wait. This really isn't an attack on this wonderful country that has welcomed my family with open arms (we're white, and straight). I really just wanted to point out that in order to be this idealized place with the "poor…yearning to be free…" (yes, I know France actually stuck us with that send-all-your-riff-raff-here crap), we need to actually be united. Don't keep rights or freedoms or whatever you want to call them from other fellow citizens, other fellow human beings. You want to talk about a "slippery slope," how about taking a second look at history. Shall we establish a "Warsaw Ghetto" for gay people now or wait until we manage to take more rights away?
And if we can actually just decide on a whim that certain people don't deserve certain rights, why the heck do members of the Ku Klux Klan get to marry and procreate? But scarier still, who decides which groups get which rights? (Rhetorical question, obviously the ones with the most money.)
This is NOT about personal opinions; this is about all people being treated like human beings. I'm sorry if one of my friends offends your god; pray that he smites her, but don't take away her freedom to do what you have the freedom to do.
We're here for such a short amount of time. And instead of enjoying it as much as possible and being good to each other, some people expend so much energy on trying to prevent others from enjoying their life. Why? What good comes to you from preventing someone else from having something?
And while I'm at it, I have a challenge to all the Prop. 8 proponents. What atrocities have befallen you since same-sex marriage has been legal? Or women having the right to vote? Or interracial marriage for that matter?
It's been in the media so much lately, that it's difficult not to at the very least have noticed the battle being waged, and at most have actually become personally involved in it. I've recently perused message boards where people try to make sense of it all, but somehow always hit a dead end. In my naiveté, it's difficult for me to understand people—human beings—getting together to keep down another group of people. Obviously, this speaks volumes to my heretofore-unseen Pollyanna-like innocence, since that is exactly what people have been doing to each other since the beginning of time (whenever you happen to believe that was).
After all, this country itself was founded on the idea of overpowering others. So, why would I be surprised at this desire to take (and keep) something away from a group of people based on the fact that…wait, what justification are we giving here? The fact that there is a group of people who don't meet another group's standards? Wouldn't that be discrimination, something our country prides itself on being against?
It's funny that in a conversation about this, the first words I got in reply to my enthusiastic support for defeating Proposition 8, were about how lucky we are to live in this country where we are free to express our opinions.
Except that this is not about expressing opinions. It's actually about taking an entire group of people and treating them as "second class citizens," someone who doesn't deserve the same rights and freedoms as the rest of us.
Oh land of the free, what a hypocrite you can be. (Yes, the rhyme was intentional. I'm obviously quite a poet.)
You'd think this country would learn from all of its past mistakes, try to live up to the ideal it tries to make everyone believe, and actually let up on the prejudiced thinking a little bit.
But I guess that can only come with time. After all, it's only been 143 years since slavery was abolished, 138 years since skin color no longer prohibited one's ability to vote, and 88 years since women have had the right to vote.
Interestingly enough, the United States Supreme Court overturned a Virgina statute prohibiting interracial marriages…in 1967. In Virginia's defense, they were only carrying out the law set by the Racial Integrity Act of 1924, which forbade interracial marriages.
I suppose we should just be grateful there is any progress made at all, thank our lucky stars that we live here and not in some other country where people are looked down on simply because they're different. Hmm…
Ok, that was sneaky of me, to put that in there. After all, our "founding fathers" were white, Christian slave-owners who wanted nothing but the best for…other…white…men…hmm. Wait. This really isn't an attack on this wonderful country that has welcomed my family with open arms (we're white, and straight). I really just wanted to point out that in order to be this idealized place with the "poor…yearning to be free…" (yes, I know France actually stuck us with that send-all-your-riff-raff-here crap), we need to actually be united. Don't keep rights or freedoms or whatever you want to call them from other fellow citizens, other fellow human beings. You want to talk about a "slippery slope," how about taking a second look at history. Shall we establish a "Warsaw Ghetto" for gay people now or wait until we manage to take more rights away?
And if we can actually just decide on a whim that certain people don't deserve certain rights, why the heck do members of the Ku Klux Klan get to marry and procreate? But scarier still, who decides which groups get which rights? (Rhetorical question, obviously the ones with the most money.)
This is NOT about personal opinions; this is about all people being treated like human beings. I'm sorry if one of my friends offends your god; pray that he smites her, but don't take away her freedom to do what you have the freedom to do.
We're here for such a short amount of time. And instead of enjoying it as much as possible and being good to each other, some people expend so much energy on trying to prevent others from enjoying their life. Why? What good comes to you from preventing someone else from having something?
And while I'm at it, I have a challenge to all the Prop. 8 proponents. What atrocities have befallen you since same-sex marriage has been legal? Or women having the right to vote? Or interracial marriage for that matter?
Friday, January 9, 2009
...Peace, Love, and...
So many different things have been on my mind lately that I’ve been wanting to really say something about (meaning, of course, write something about) that they’ve gotten me to a point of a rather jumbled, confused tone on what seems to be a Frankenstein’s monster-like concept mashup. (Yes, even the description falls into that category.)
“Well, sort through it and speak your mind,” I hear you, my imaginary audience, say.
“But—" I start to whine, then stop, quickly reminding myself how much I hate to hear whining.
That’s part of the problem, though—not the whining, I can keep that under control, most of the time—the wading through all of life’s noise and being able to articulate its effect on me in pieces. Because let’s face it, life doesn’t come at you one event at a time. When something happens—good or bad—the rest of the world doesn’t stop so you can acknowledge it and assess the impact. Life doesn’t stop for anything – until it finally does, at which point it’s really not to help us be able to slow down and tidy up emotionally.
This has been the prevailing topic for me lately, a thought at the back of my mind as I weave my way through the days of life both mundane and exciting. (And they really can be both, can’t they?) It’s so simplistic, it may sound naïve or childish. And some of you may think I’ve fallen and hit my head on something hard or become the victim of some cult. But when you break things down to the most basic way of looking at them, life is short and unpredictable. Why is it that we, the supposedly most intelligent creatures on Earth, have such a difficult time respecting and valuing life? Everyone’s life is finite. So, we’re all in the same boat (as living beings). And this is where everything starts.
I don’t understand why it’s supposedly human nature to dominate others, to push those who are weaker, to take advantage of those less intelligent, to take things from people simply because we want them too, to fight and kill others because they have a different ideology from ours…That last one, of course, those who know me well enough will (probably shake their heads and wonder why my parents didn’t just have me brainwashed by a specific religion when I was younger) recognize as one of (yes, Christopher, one of) the most baffling topics for me. And I suppose the other traits could be argued as simple animal instincts (even though we’re supposed to be so much better than animals), but to devise ways to see each other as different...And as such, of course someone has to be better, someone has to be right.
It just seems pointless to spend the short amount of time we have here worrying about, or trying to change, fight and destroy what someone else believes if it doesn’t happen to align with what we do. And that can’t be argued by comparing us to other animals. It’s not about survival or any sort of physical threat. It’s our choice to perceive things as we do. And I think it’s sad that one of the prime examples of how great our minds are is also what causes so many problems for us in the world. Are human beings too complex to ever really know peace? Do we over think (and “under feel”) things?
“Well, sort through it and speak your mind,” I hear you, my imaginary audience, say.
“But—" I start to whine, then stop, quickly reminding myself how much I hate to hear whining.
That’s part of the problem, though—not the whining, I can keep that under control, most of the time—the wading through all of life’s noise and being able to articulate its effect on me in pieces. Because let’s face it, life doesn’t come at you one event at a time. When something happens—good or bad—the rest of the world doesn’t stop so you can acknowledge it and assess the impact. Life doesn’t stop for anything – until it finally does, at which point it’s really not to help us be able to slow down and tidy up emotionally.
This has been the prevailing topic for me lately, a thought at the back of my mind as I weave my way through the days of life both mundane and exciting. (And they really can be both, can’t they?) It’s so simplistic, it may sound naïve or childish. And some of you may think I’ve fallen and hit my head on something hard or become the victim of some cult. But when you break things down to the most basic way of looking at them, life is short and unpredictable. Why is it that we, the supposedly most intelligent creatures on Earth, have such a difficult time respecting and valuing life? Everyone’s life is finite. So, we’re all in the same boat (as living beings). And this is where everything starts.
I don’t understand why it’s supposedly human nature to dominate others, to push those who are weaker, to take advantage of those less intelligent, to take things from people simply because we want them too, to fight and kill others because they have a different ideology from ours…That last one, of course, those who know me well enough will (probably shake their heads and wonder why my parents didn’t just have me brainwashed by a specific religion when I was younger) recognize as one of (yes, Christopher, one of) the most baffling topics for me. And I suppose the other traits could be argued as simple animal instincts (even though we’re supposed to be so much better than animals), but to devise ways to see each other as different...And as such, of course someone has to be better, someone has to be right.
It just seems pointless to spend the short amount of time we have here worrying about, or trying to change, fight and destroy what someone else believes if it doesn’t happen to align with what we do. And that can’t be argued by comparing us to other animals. It’s not about survival or any sort of physical threat. It’s our choice to perceive things as we do. And I think it’s sad that one of the prime examples of how great our minds are is also what causes so many problems for us in the world. Are human beings too complex to ever really know peace? Do we over think (and “under feel”) things?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Something New
I feel that I've posted enough old stuff on here to get this started and wanted to begin adding new items. (Of course not everyone I know has read all of my old stuff, so it's probably not as tiring to some as it is to others. And "Black"was actually rather recent.) Not that I have anything new to share yet :). And while I didn't want this to be an online journal of oversharing or overly personal thoughts, I guess it wouldn't hurt to actually come on here to talk a little about life in all its colors.
So, another year has begun. And while I realize that 2008 is generally considered to have been a tough one, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it and am personally not as happy to see it go as almost everyone else seems to be. 2008 was filled with my usual, and some new, experiences: Paley Festival events in the spring; Pageant of the Masters in the summer; a couple of plays (My Fair Lady and Spring Awakening); meeting new people and making new friends; getting to see old ones, which is always a great treat; planning and having our wedding; a Beastly Bedtime event at the Wild Animal Park (which was such a fun time N wants to do it again this year); moving to a much more spacious place; being there as N started swimming on her own (no floaties) for the first time; all of C's soccer games (they are seriously so unexpectedly fun); getting the two wonderful additions to our family, Dizzy and Oliver, who are so cuddly and sweet (and now partners in crime); visiting the Getty Villa for the first time; and many more little moments that make life what it is.
In this economy, I'm very grateful to still have a job, especially considering the field I work in. But somehow things seem to keep moving for us - my employer is really good at what he does and really deserves all the success he can get (and besides that, he's a great person who is incredibly wonderful to work for, something I'm very appreciative of and grateful for). W also has a seemingly stable job, with great benefits, and keeps finding new things to become involved with and interested in, so hopefully that will keep him from ever getting too bored.
The kids are wonderful and growing more so all the time. They each have their own distinct personalities but are very close and get along wonderfully. They're bright, caring, happy kids who bring a lot of happiness into our lives. N is very generous and loves to give gifts to others, often things she's made herself; she always seems to be thinking of others. C, who is less outgoing, is very good at learning new things quickly. He loves all sports, is good with working as a team or alone, and always gives 100% to everything he does. I'm very happy to have them both in my life.
Well, this feels like a little report card of my life so far :), so I guess I felt like sharing some of the more personal anyway. Well, I'll be back to write something more profound when I feel better (physically), but for now, I think this is a good introduction.
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