Pray Tell

I just got one of those beloved forwarded e-mails that overrun our mailboxes. This one was talking about how bad things happen because we’ve taken God out of so many of our public institutions. Apparently, if we don’t have prayer in schools, kids turn into criminals and the only way to stop that is to find God again. Gee, I didn’t realize he was lost. Or that, as a result, we were too.

I find it interesting that God is such a crutch that not only does everything good happen because of him, but everything bad happens because he wasn’t there. (This is confusing in itself because I’ve always been told that, much like Santa Claus watching our behavior, he is always there.) Can’t raise your children to be decent human beings? That must be because they’ve removed prayer from schools – not because you’re a failure as a parent. Your kid steals, does drugs and beats up little old ladies? Why, it can’t possibly be because you’ve spent most of his life ignoring him while enjoying your weekly girls’ night out, trying to impress the new guy you’re seeing, or spending hours playing WoW. The most obvious reason is so simple – we as a society have strayed from God. No Bible reading or prayer in schools? Prepare for more terrorist attacks, school shootings, and kicking of puppies.

Does anyone honestly believe that a child being raised by neglectful or borderline psychotic parents would grow into Atticus Finch if he was forced to read the Bible at school?

How about a little accountability? If you’re religious and it makes you feel good and happy, and you feel that it helps keep you from randomly killing people, that’s great. Keep praying. But if you’re semi-disturbed and you feel that you wouldn’t have clubbed that baby seal if only someone had made you recite some prayers while you were in school, possibly you may need help from someone with a degree in medicine, not theology. Either way, do whatever it takes for you to feel fulfilled, calm, and happy. But don’t assume that everyone is the same as you and that they need the same type of motivation. I believe most people would not kill anyone, whether or not they’ve read the Bible. Blaming the bad in the world—whether caused by people or nature—on the proposal that one religion ruling a country is a terrible idea is seriously missing the target by – um, like several Middle Eastern countries at once.

I find it difficult to understand why the solutions proposed by these very opinionated people aren’t seen as something tangible. It’s not let’s make sure there aren’t any unwanted babies brought into the world; let’s figure out the best way to provide the most support to overwhelmed parents; what can we actually do about the levels of poverty and the disturbingly imbalanced distribution of wealth? In other words, what can actually be done by the people who live on this planet to make things more tolerable for everyone? No, let’s not actually take any responsibility for anything. Let’s not try to change anything. Let’s pray.

Oh, To Always Be Right

I initially started thinking about this in terms of political affiliation. There seems to be this belief held by a particular side that the way to win an argument is by either talking over those who disagree with your view or simply insulting them. Facts be damned. Rational arguments are of no use in such cases. It’s all a matter of that squeaky wheel getting all the oil in the world.

It seems that some groups are trying to monopolize this arguing-without-an argument strategy. They probably have handbooks. Maybe they have secret meetings where the secret handbooks are given out and they all stand around practicing yelling over each other. Then they all take turns coming up with insults that they throw out before quickly turning to walk away to have theirs be the last word. This zinger is supposed to take place of any actual, reasonable argument they might have (but usually don’t, hence the need for the zinger). I don’t think the secret meetings touch on any content, since that’s not the arguing strategy taught there. It’s all about saying as little as possible about the actual topic, throwing in some supposedly patriotic statement while questioning the opponent’s patriotism, and then of course ending with a personal attack on their character, intelligence, etc.

But the more I started thinking about putting this down on paper (after a mini confrontation with someone who thought the way to disagree with my opinion was to just call me nuts), the more I realized how unfair it would be to associate this with a group based solely on politics. Honestly, I’ve been frustrated enough with someone in the past to question their sanity (of course, her sanity is often in question). And I’m sure many of us have an embarrassing memory of having resorted to angry name-calling at some point. So, while it seems that to be unwilling to listen to reason, to use irrational gibberish to try to win an argument, or when presented with irrefutable facts, to revert to tactics of 3-year-olds is the domain of a particular political set, it’s not as simple as that. For though they are the true leaders of this “Nah-nah-I-can’t-hear-you” defense, they are not the only users.

It’s come to my attention that the people who have the weakest arguments are more inclined to do more of the yelling. I guess their theory is if you have nothing to say, just make more noise than your opponent. Definitely don’t stop long enough to listen (or you may be confused by their use of reason). And never back down. Can you imagine the horror of actually having to admit to your opponent that maybe you’ve rethought your previous position and have come to the conclusion that you were—gasp—wrong? Some groups are never wrong. It’s against their religion or political beliefs – or both. Just like some individuals can never be wrong. I don’t know what would happen to them if they were to admit that maybe the possibility of it exists – spontaneously combust, maybe? Who would want to take that chance?

Excuse Me, Do You Have the Time?

It seems that this blog could almost be called "The Shitty Crap You Have to Deal With When Your Wonderful New Husband Has a Wicked Witch of An Ex-Wife." But that would be a bit cumbersome (not to mention redundant), and I'm hoping not to actually have this turn into a whiny collection of woe-is-me stories. However, for the moment, I can't seem to help it. So, grab a seat and a voodoo doll and let's begin.

Once upon a time, on a beautiful, hot summer evening, a lovely but somewhat hot and sweaty lady was driving home after an exceptionally late day at work. She was feeling very good about having accomplished all that she had that day, and enjoying the near-perfect summer evening, was in high spirits. Her husband--a man she thought of often throughout her days, grateful for how lucky she was to have found him--was in class that night. On certain nights of the week, he goes to class straight from work, so they don't see each other until late. 

Realizing that she didn't know what time to expect her wonderful bonus children the next morning, she sent a text to their mother, asking her what time she planned to drop them off. 

Oh, yes, we should mention here that this lovely lady not only works full time, but is also a bonus mom and part-time caretaker for her husband's wonderful children. On certain days when her husband is working away to help support two households (theirs and his ex-wife's) and can't afford to take another day off to be with the kids he loves so much, lovely lady steps in and takes days off from her job to take care of them. I know what you're thinking, "Aw, that is sooo sweet and wonderful of her!" Most people do. (Well, except the ones poisoned by the ex with her twisted stories.) 

But not only does she take days off to be with them, she's also very involved with every aspect of their upbringing while in their happy household. And--that's right kiddies, there's more--she does all she can to make the kids feel comfortable and able to talk about anything they want. She's even helped the kids pick out gifts for their mom (and paid for them, naturally, since the kids are too young to work). She's sent pictures of them to her; made copies of any paperwork that was only sent to one household; volunteered to take them whenever needed; shared extra-curricular activity information with her; and basically tried to establish a friendly, cooperative relationship with her. 

Well, I'm sure you're thinking that this sounds lovely and you're sure that they now have a solid, happy relationship, since obviously both women only want what's best for the children - and to set a good example. Alas, you would be wrong. (I can hear the gasps now. I'll give you a moment to regain your composure.)

All right, let's settle down again. 

This woman (in no way anywhere near as clever, witty or funny as the play whose title makes you think it's about her) refuses to acknowledge any kindness shown to her children by lovely lady. She, in fact, insists that Lovely Lady is "overstepping her bounds." We must wonder if that refers to all the money she spends on the children; all the time she spends playing with them, reading to them, helping them with their homework; all the days she takes off work to stay home with them; all the days she leaves early to pick them up from school; all the positive, supportive statements she makes whenever they bring up their mother; all the ways in which she tries to do her best to make sure they're happy, safe, comfortable, supported and feel loved. I suppose I see her point now. That is a lot of overstepping. Imagine someone completely unrelated to you caring that much about you - how rude!

And tonight's infringement? 

Well, the text asked what time ex would drop off kiddos before she starts her day of...wait, what was it again she does? Work? Nope. School? Not at the moment. Volunteering with less fortunate people? Ha! Um, her day of...freeloading? Ahem. We move on.

Apparently it wouldn't have been ethical for her to answer directly. After all, ex is dealing with a rogue not-her-kid loving bonus mom who thinks she has the right to dare ask such a question of her. The insolence! She instead invited Lovely Lady to play the old telephone game, asking her to go to her husband who would then ask ex, who would readily reply, which husband would then convey to Lovely Lady. So much simpler than just texting back a number. (Single digit even, no a.m. necessary.) I know, I'm exhausted now just thinking about it. 

So, how did the whole fiasco end? Poor husband was once again caught in the middle and ended up making a dreaded phone call to ex to try to reason with her, for a moment setting aside common sense. Needless to say, no reasoning was accomplished, as ex is extremely allergic to reason. She did manage to spout off her usual list of offenses committed by the couple against her - the overstepping of bounds and whatnot. 

And while I wish there was a brilliant moral-of-the-story type of ending here, with lessons learned, tears shed and hugs all around, all I can promise you is that ex makes is abundantly clear that she will never try reason, understanding, compassion, letting go, or any of the secret ancient methods that have helped people get along for centuries.  Those must be against her religion.

Filler

I got tired of seeing the same post every time I clicked over to the blog, so I felt compelled to post something--anything--else. So, blah, blah, blah. :)

I think I like the disciplined way in which the Simon and Ivan blog is scheduled to be updated ever so regularly (aside from times of illness and camping mishaps) and feel inspired to follow suit. Of course there are two of them to share the updating duties. But I'll persevere. Power through, etc. Plus, I really do like to - what would the writing equivalent of hear oneself talk be? I like to read my own writing. Sometimes, when I've written what I consider a clever piece (and really, if you can't be your own fan how can you expect others to be?) I read it whenever I stumble upon it and praise my own wittiness in my head (or out loud, if a family member happens to be near). I know it's odd to admit to such behavior without having had a drop of alcohol, but I'm choosing to think of it as honest and possibly brave instead.

Ok, that'll do for now.

Mother of the Year

Well, it looks like I won’t have to worry about rushing the kids to C’s soccer practice before karate on Thursdays. His mom decided that she’s pulling him out.

After four seasons of sharing the responsibilities of taking him to practice and games—and actually being the one to have introduced him to the sport to begin with—she’s decided that they would do something else fun as a family on her days.

The problem started with W and me assuming that since C’s been in soccer for this long, and has always said he wants to keep playing soccer, there was no question about signing him up again for this season. Apparently, the mother had her own ideas. So, upset that he didn’t call to confirm that it was okay with her (since they share custody pretty evenly, practices and games always fall on both parents’ days) to sign him up for this season, she told W that she didn’t think her schedule would work with soccer this time. W then of course assured her that anytime she needed help in getting C to either practices or games, we would gladly help. At one point she seemed to be on board, and even volunteered to buy him the cleats this time.

Then the day of the first practice came. She showed up (on W’s day with the kids, but whatever), we made small talk and everything seemed to be going fine until the coach got there. He passed out a roster that he himself created from the list of kids’ applications he was given. Since W was the one to have filled out the application, his name was first on the information sheet. So, the roster contained our names and address and W’s phone number. But not the bio mom’s. Here is where I need to add the ironic (even if it’s not technically ironic) part about how I volunteered to be team mom so we could for once not have the problems that go along with two households and someone who doesn’t understand what “two households” means. I was planning on making sure both sets of parents received copies of the schedule, both had to participate in bringing snack, both had to contribute money toward the end of the season party, and both got to bring home a soccer “trophy” at the end of the season. Basically, I wanted to avoid problems like this roster snafu and any communication problems that past team moms have had in distinguishing between our two households. So, of course once she saw that she was not on the roster, she angrily announced it to everyone as if it had been a deliberate attack on her personally. Strike one.

The other problem came with the fact that the coach said since the teams were still being formed, the practices were being moved around. Ours had been changed to where the second one in the week would also fall on her day. Several parents (including the coach) complained about this, and he said he would try to do what he could to find us a place we could all agree on where we could hold the practices on the days originally scheduled.

However, this came after the bio mom had already approached me about how inappropriate it was for me to be the team mom, especially since practices would now be on her days. And by the way, W should have never signed him up for this in the first place without calling her, and so she’s just going to pull him out. I questioned why she thinks C should not get to play just because she decided her schedule wouldn’t fit it in if we both offered to get him there whenever she needed. But she was too wrapped up in being angry to have anything to say other than she was pulling him out.

Over the next day, there was e-mail communication between all parties (I asked her if she would let him play if I stepped down as team mom) that was basically one side pleading for her to reconsider and think about her son and not only his love for the game, but the benefits of playing a team sport with his peers, and the other side being stubbornly selfish.

She apparently explained to the kids that he can’t be in soccer this season because she is so busy with her school schedule. And I’m sure less of an explanation would make it okay coming from mom. But to an adult, the explanation of not having the time to take him to practice but being unwilling to let us take him to practice doesn’t seem to add up. If he is with her the whole time on her days, why can’t she find some time to drive him over to watch him participate in something he really enjoys? And if she’s too busy to do that, then where are the kids going to be on her days during the times that she’s too busy for soccer?

I also have to add here that in past seasons she came to every practice the kids had on our days, without finding that “inappropriate” in any way.

Ok, so this is one small frustrating example of how difficult it is to deal with volatile people who only see things through their own twisted perspective and refuse to listen to reason. And there are so many more. But this one, I think, is the most telling about her character, and her self-proclaimed status as a good mom. All she sees is herself. And when someone tries to point out the flaw in that stance, she twists it around until she can back up her view. I just think it’s sad when a mother decides her feelings are more important than her child.